US Open Preview

The 2008 US Open kicks off Thursday at Torrey Pines in a beautiful Californian city discovered in 1904 by the Germans. They named it San Diego, which of course is German for whale’s vagina.

Oops. Wrong movie. The movie that first came to mind when I thought of this year’s Open is ‘The Usual Suspects.’ Round ‘em up, because I expect you’ll see a handful of familiar names at the top of the leaderboard by week’s end.

McManus (Stephen Baldwin) – Jim Furyk. A fighter, just like McManus, Furyk is always in the hunt at the Open. His unorthodox swing stands up to pressure and his game is relentless. Go against him at your own peril.

Fenster (Benicio Del Toro) – defending champion Angel Cabrera. Like Fenster, he’s quietly good at what he does, that’s why he’s in the group, and you can’t understand a word he’s saying.

Hockney (Kevin Pollack) – Retief Goosen. Always in the middle of things, but for the most part understated and underrated. He has a biting wit, and probably does a terrific Christopher Walken.

Dean Keaton (Gabriel Byrne) – Tiger Woods. The center of attention, the leader of the pack, the straw that stirs the drink. He also doesn’t make it out alive. Considering his recent knee surgery, I wouldn’t expect Tiger to walk away with the big prize.

Dave Kujan (Chazz Palminteri) – Phil Mickelson. Kujan thinks he’s smarter than everybody and that hubris makes it possible for the real mastermind to walk away scot-free. Mickelson is so full of himself – he’s nicknamed FIGJAM (loosely translated as Gosh I’m Good, Just Ask Me) – he might just flush away another Open, even one on his home course.

Verbal Kint (Kevin Spacey) – ???. The one who walks away with the big prize. Likely suspects include Adam Scott, who has been conspicuously non-threatening in majors, British Open champ Padraig Harrington, and Masters champion Trevor Immelman, who is the unlikely chaser of golf’s Grand Slam this year. But the most intriguing character may be Sergio Garcia, whom everyone considers to be weak, but whose win in the so-called fifth major, the Players Championship, just might be what finally makes the Spaniard a threat to squash his mental block and finally start posting the wins his vast potential has promised.

~ by Porky on June 11, 2008.